CHAPTER 73
LEAVING
ARIELLA ‘s Point of View
I couldn't believe I am still alive. It is a little funny to think that I have to feel the same way again.
It's because of that guy! He shouldn't save me! I want to die, now I have to feel the same way again.
I am so tired that's why I want to end my life.
I am still alive, still breathing. I could still feel the unbearable pain in my heart again. I thought I would die.
As I sank deeper and deeper into the sea, everything that happened in my life came back to my mind. It's hurting me so bad.
As I was running out of oxygen, I remembered everything that happened to me and Anton. I thought... in this way, everything will end.
I couldn't even believe that someone saved me. I never thought of that.
Now, I am feeling so tired emotionally and physically. I am emotionally exhausted.
Why do I have to live on earth if I have nothing to hold on to?
Is there a reason for my second life? Why couldn't I even find the reason why?
I don't know what else to do in my life. All I did was cry everyday. God knows how tired I am, doesn't he? I am so tired but why hasn't he taken me yet? I want to be with my child. I don't want to feel the pain anymore.
I thought everything would be over, but I was wrong.
Look at me now. I am still in bed, thinking of those things. I am so tired of it. Even if I force myself not to think, I couldn't. It is so hard to avoid everything.
I have nothing.
All of a sudden, while I was crying, Dad called me, so I immediately wiped my tears.
I took a deep breath before answering it.
"How are you there? Are you feeling well now? Have you been there yet?” he asked.
"Yes, Dad."
Last night, I thought of leaving, so here I am now. I am now in Tokyo, Japan.
But even if I am here, I still can't escape the sadness. Sadness still follows me wherever I go. I thought I could forget when I left.
I was wrong. I am always wrong.
The pain is still here. I could still feel it every single moment. Even if I entertain myself, I still can't avoid sadness.
Sometimes, I wonder how Anton is doing. Is he feeling okay now? Is he with her? Did he forget me already?
It's funny to think that I still care for him. It's funny to think that I can't let go of my feelings for him so easily. I really wanted to, but it's so hard.
But I could feel that my love for him is gradually decreasing. I don't know how long it will take to completely lose my feelings for him. I don't know how long the moving process will take.
I just remembered my baby. He would have been four months now in my tummy. We would have been happy together here in Japan. It's winter. I hope we are a happy family now.
But...I have to accept it. My baby is gone even our marriage. I can't even pull him back to me. I'd rather endure the pain than pull him back to me. I know he's doing great now. It's been four months since it happened and everything is over.
I wish I could find a way to easily forget everything. I wish I could feel better even just for a day. How I desperately wish to be okay someday.
"Kon'nichiwa," people I meet greet me, which means 'hello'.
I passed by one of the famous restaurants in Tokyo so I thought of going there to eat.
The restaurant's name is Kushikatsu Tanaka Yurakucho, located in 3 Chome-7-12 Marunouchi, Chiyoda City, Tokyo 100-0005, Japan. It's not that far from my home.
Every night I go for a walk to entertain myself. The sadness is more intense at night.
It's funny to think that I've been sleeping alone for 4 months. Like I said before, I got used to sleeping next to Anton.
Is he the same ..or maybe...they sleep next to each other?
“Kon'nichiwa. Sutekina yoru o osugoshi kudasai, okusama. Dōzo haitte kudasai,” sabi ng staff, which means ‘Hello. Have a nice evening, Ma'am. Please come in’
. I just smiled and went inside
I was really amazed.
I just thought...the three of us should be here now. It is a little funny to think that I am alone now.
I don't want to think about those things anymore. I came here to forget not to remember everything. I don't want to go back to the past. I want to start over.
Maybe, that's why my suicide was not successful, it was for the Lord to show me that I had to start over.
I just realized that he gave me a second chance to live on earth.
I can still find a better man, can't I? Maybe there is someone more deserving than him. I know he is not the man for me. He was not the man I was meant to be with until my last breath. He is not the man who will love me completely. He was not the man I grew old with.
It is really funny to think that he will just pass through my life. I thought it was him.
I was wrong.
I always wish that one morning when I wake up, I will be okay. Something like a miracle. I really want to be okay. I'm eager to feel okay again. It's been a long time, until now I can still feel the pain.
It is so hard to be strong now that I am weak, but I realized that I have to move forward.
It is not the end of the world. Maybe one day I will know on my own what God's reason is for him to put me through all this.
Somehow, I manage to smile. Even for a few minutes I forget everything. Somehow I manage to laugh.
How I wish to wake up one morning when everything is okay.
Sometimes I wonder who the next man will come into my life. Could it be him?....or maybe he will just pass through my life? I don't know what God has planned for me.
Sometimes I wonder if I can still love again despite everything that happened in my life? But...I don't want to think about it. I have no intention of loving again.
I am afraid of loving a person again. I know it would be so hard for me to trust again.
If a man comes into my life, I hope he is the one for me. I'm afraid of getting hurt. I'm afraid of being crushed. I'm also afraid of falling in love if I end up having to learn to forget him too.
I don't know. I am confused.
"Hello," a guy greeted me, so I was shocked and stopped eating. I was deep in thought, thinking about loving a person again, then a guy just said 'hello.'
But when I looked at him,...
"Hello," I greeted, too. To illustrate him, he's still handsome but he's quite old. He's not my ideal man.
"Can I sit here?" he asked.
I smiled and immediately said, "Sure."
I don't feel anything. It's just like normal. I think he is in his 50s.
"May I ask why you are alone here?"
I was suddenly surprised so I said "Excuse me?"
"Oh I'm sorry. I just noticed that you are alone. Why are you sad?"
I am even more confused and shocked.
“Wh-what-?” I asked. How could he say that I'm sad? Is it obvious on my face?