Jabi
Maybe I am avoiding Darrien because I feel he knows my innermost darkest thoughts. It has been two days since that night.
Two days and I am scared to have a conversation with him. I am scared to tell him the things that he might already know.
I don’t even know what is wrong with me. I don’t even know how to explain how I feel, I just feel these things and nothing has been able to help me—not even Dar.
"You’re not going home?’’ Rex asks me calmly as I drop the book I am reading on my crossed legs. I am in their house, avoiding Darrien. He messaged me, I responded but I haven’t replied his question of when I would be back. Things are weird between us because he has finally noticed the things that I have been hiding.
The things I didn’t want him to see.
The things I wanted to bury and forget about.
"Not now,’’ I shrug as I open the book again. He looks suspicious and I don’t blame him. I just got back from the trip I took with Darrien. I should be with her. I should have missed her but I felt relieved to be away.
Just like I do right now.
"What about Tala?’’ he asks worriedly.
Mentioning her name makes her real. "She is with Darrien. I think I can stay away from her for a couple of hours," I snap and I don’t mean to but I guess I am just frustrated. Everyone just cares about her, no one cares about how I feel and it is bugging me to the point where I just want to scream.
"I get it, you want me gone. I’ll be on my way."
I stand up from the couch as he grabs my arm "What’s happening. I didn’t mean anything by it. You can stay.’’ He tries to stop me but I can already see the judgment in his eyes. No one will understand why I feel this way.
They will just think I am a terrible father.
"I actually should go. Darrien is probably looking for me,’’ I lie as I leave the house and walk the path to mine. the walk takes longer than it usually would. Somehow, I don’t want to go home. I don’t want him to look at me and judge me. I don’t want him to hate me because of this.
I hate myself enough already.
I was ready for this Chapter in our relationship.
I wanted this.
I get to the house and I see the light on. His scent fills my nostrils. I know he is home, with her.
I don’t want to look at her with these thoughts in my head. I am ashamed of myself.
I hate this so much.
After a lot of hesitation, I walk into the house and I see the table set. He is not in the living room but I smell food so I know he is in the kitchen. It has been a while since Darrien cooked for me. when we first got together, he would cook for me every day.
He used to say he needed to fatten me up, that I was too tiny. I loved seeing him in the kitchen. I loved watching him cook because he always did it with so much love.
Things happened. Life happened and I understand that we have responsibilities now. we have a baby and that needs to be where our focus lies but I miss the days before.
This should feel like growth in our relationship but it doesn’t.
I wish it did.
I close the door and he pokes his head out of the kitchen door. There is a smile on his face. it gives me butterflies, goosebumps, and a lot more. My heart thuds heavily because I like seeing him smile.
"You’re home,’’ he exclaims as he walks out of the kitchen. He is dressed in a pair of shorts and his favorite shirt. The one with the wolf on it. he had it made on our one-year anniversary. It is my wolf. The wolf that he loves so much.
My heart beats faster.
I expected him to be upset with me—hell I deserve his anger.
Why isn’t he?
"Hi baby,’’ he pulls me into him and his lips press to mine. my heart is in a celebration on its own. the confusion in my head is being clouded away. I just want to enjoy this moment with him.
"Hi,’’ I reply as he pulls away from me slightly and rests his head on mine.
I don’t know what is happening but fuck, it feels like an escape. One that I need right now "I’m making your favorite,’’ he tells me, the heat from his mouth soothing me all over.
I close my eyes for a second as I revel in this magnificence that is my man. he is still smiling at me when I open my eyes "It is almost ready, do you wanna go have a shower and then come out?’’ he asks.
I shake my head.
I don’t want to leave him.
I don’t want to leave this moment because, for the first time in a long time, I feel like my old self.
I don’t feel anything but happiness.
I don’t want this moment to end.
"I want to stay with you,’’ I tell him but the desperation in my voice is evident. He can sense it but he doesn’t show it.
"Come on,’’ he pulls my hand into the kitchen and I see the mess he made. Dar can’t cook without making a mess. That is our dynamic, he cooks and I clean. He grabs me by my waist and places me on the table "You just watch your sexy ass man make a meal and stay pretty,’’ he winks, my heart melts.
I watch him as he runs around the kitchen, I watch him with that goofy smile on his face that I love.
I watch him and I am happy.