The tension in my shoulders relaxed once we made it to the edge of the tree line. While the plains weren't exactly safe, they were much safer than the dangerous demon-infested forest that now surrounded Traehall. We had run into a few demons and monsters along the way, but nothing strong enough to be a challenge for me or Torien. We didn't even need to stop at any point.
Now that we were on the plains, we would be able to see anything coming from a pretty far distance, and the skies were clear, unlike the first time I had taken this trip. Even the giant stream stalker we had fought last time wouldn't be as scary as it had been before. Our biggest concern would be any demons that had spread out to the plains from the forest, but most of the demons we were familiar with preferred the shade to the sunny skies.
The sight of the wide open plains settled my nerves a bit. I was still feeling frayed by my past experiences and the fight I just had with Bella. Paradoxically, it was the memories of my past life that calmed me down. The sight of the open plains was nostalgic and reminded me of the road trips I had across the country with my family as a kid. I was a pretty happy kid before I hit puberty, and traveling reminded me of a lot of the good times I had as a child. Even before I regained my memories, I think I had an unconscious positive association with traveling, which is why I must have been so interested in exploring before regaining them.
My issues with dysphoria ground me down more and more as an adult. I felt wrong in my body, but it took me a really long time to understand what I was even feeling and why. I attributed many of my interests to sexual proclivities, failing to recognize the deeper yearning behind them. Things are pretty confusing when you're a teenager already, and I was even more confused as a college student. It was easy to push that stuff to the side and ignore it while I focused on school, then my first job, then the stressful and cutthroat life of an architect.
The entire time I was focused on my career, the dysphoria had been building up in the background. It got worse the longer I ignored it. Feeling uncomfortable changed to disgust, and eventually, I had gotten rid of any mirrors that weren't in the bathroom. Looking at myself naked before I got into the shower had become a morbid fascination, almost like I wanted to see how bad I looked. I knew it was unhealthy, so I eventually started going to therapy.
In some ways therapy made me feel better, and in other ways it made me feel worse. It was hard to be honest about myself, even in a setting like that. I went through a lot of therapists trying to find someone who could understand, but everyone felt so... fake to me. I struggled to find a good connection with any of them, so eventually I stopped trying to go. By that time, I was starting to spiral, and it was only my relationship with my sister that kept me going. I had long given up on dating or finding someone who would be able to put up with all of my self-loathing. Eventually, I just gave up on everything.
I took a deep breath and tried to recenter myself. These kinds of thoughts weren't the best to have when I was supposed to be keeping my eyes open for any dangers. I had been struggling between trying to process all of my reclaimed memories and stopping myself from spiraling into my old negative thoughts. It was hard. As much as I would have liked to separate myself into 'old me' and 'new me,' both were just... me.
("Lilith, are you doing okay?") Torien asked through the bond.
("I'm fine,") I replied instantly, without thought.
("I don't think you're fine, but I can leave you alone if that's what you want,") she said.
I frowned. ("I'm not fine... but I don't know what to say about it... There's just a lot going on in my head.")
("It's not too late if you want to turn back,") Torien offered.
("No. I think time on the road is what I need to feel better right now. I don't want to wallow either, there's just a lot to think about.") I sighed to myself. I feel so crummy right now...
("Is this about Bella, or the other stuff?") she asked.
I slowed my horse construct so I could be a little closer to the carriage. ("The other stuff.")
("I'm not really the best with words, but if it helps, I wouldn't mind listening to your troubles,") Torien offered. ("There's nothing you could say that would make me think any less of you. By now, it's easy to say that you're my best friend, and quite a bit more than that in the last few months.")
I smiled to myself. ("Thanks, Torien. That means a lot to me. I'm not really sure what to say, other than just to vent all my negative thoughts.")
Torien leaned over the side to look at me. ("Sometimes that's all you need. You haven't talked much about your old life, other than what you experienced the first night. Maybe getting some of it out will help.")
("Maybe,") I replied.
There was silence between us as I continued to watch our surroundings. I thought about her offer for a long time, considered if I would feel any more comfortable telling anyone else instead, but no, not really. Even though Torien was now one of my lovers too, I had a bit of a different relationship with her than I had with the others. The words she said, best friend, fit. Our intimate relationship developed out of a strong friendship, rather than a purely romantic one like I had with the others. It didn't feel exactly the same. Sharing with Torien would feel a bit more... I don't know, relaxed, than if I shared this with any of the others first.
I took a deep breath. ("Okay. I think it might help to share with you just... don't judge me too harshly. A lot of what I want to share probably isn't pleasant.")
("I understand. Don't worry about me, don't hold anything back,") she said with a smile in her voice.
I rambled on for a long time. Every now and then, she asked questions, but she mostly just listened to my worries. It was all the same stuff that I had been thinking about in my head, but having someone to tell them to, and having someone give me some understanding words in return, was enough to lighten my chest considerably. All of my emotions had been balled up, but now that I was telling her about it all, they came flooding out.
After all of that, the thing I realized was that all of it was behind me now. As much as those old thoughts and memories plagued me, they were about insecurities I no longer had. I no longer felt bad about my body, I no longer felt unattractive to others, and I no longer felt as alone as I did before. Torien sitting on the carriage listening to all my worries was proof of that. She was my friend, my lover, and none of these insecurities were real.
For the first time in days, I truly smiled. Not a small one, an actual happy and relaxed one. I felt better after getting all of it off my chest. That old me wasn't who I was anymore. I didn't need to feel guilty about my past life. What was done is done. All that was left was to look toward the future.
I was still a bit upset with Bella, but I would talk with her about it later. Even if I don't think she did anything wrong exactly, it still hurts a little that she used our oath against me, even if it was unintentional. Did she use it against me? Or was I just being sensitive because of everything else? I wasn't sure exactly, but I wanted to talk about it anyway. Torien and a life's worth of memories just taught me that bottling this stuff up doesn't help anyone, so I should just talk with her.
The rest of the day was a long one, but we eventually made it to the fort where we would sleep on the first day of our trip. Like usual, it was deserted and only our group was here right now. I remember the spot where we had first discovered Silva and Fae here in what felt like ages ago. So much had happened in the last year. In a way, it almost seemed longer than my entire previous life combined... I helped unload the basics as we settled in for the night. We had made decent time getting here, but there was nothing between us and the next fort but more empty plains, so there was no reason to continue on.
Bella was looking a bit awkward nearby. She clearly wanted to approach me, but she also didn't want to intrude. The indecision was a more familiar look on her face than the steel she had shown this morning. With a sigh, I headed up the stairs toward the ramparts and waved her over. This area would be a bit quieter. As I walked up, I dismissed my armor. I wouldn't need it right now, and it wouldn't be difficult to resummon it in the case of an emergency.
I leaned against the wall and waited for her to follow me up. Bella frowned when she looked at me, but leaned on the wall by my side. "Are you still mad at me?" she asked.
I sighed again. "I don't know. A little bit, but probably not for the reason you think."
Bella turned to me with a sad smile. "We've never really fought before... I don't know what to do."
I chuckled and pulled her into a hug. She relaxed into me, the physical contact evidently a relief for her. I trailed my fingers through the fur on her back while trying to organize my thoughts. "I'm not mad at you because you insisted on coming with us, I'm mad at you because of how you did it."
Bella's hands twisted in my shirt. "I was being honest. It felt like you were abandoning me there, leaving me all alone by myself."
I sighed and continued to rub her back. "I understand. It's just that the oath between us has never triggered before. It was infuriating that I wasn't even allowed to argue with you about it. It restricted me like I had no free will anymore. It was scary... and stifling."
"I didn't know it worked that way. I didn't even think about that promise we made when I said that," Bella admitted.
"It was a learning experience for us both," I agreed. "I don't like feeling that way. If we have another disagreement like that, please don't use those words unless you feel like there's no other choice. I would never want to abandon you. I think I could have agreed with you coming had we actually talked it out, but invoking our oath, intentionally or otherwise, tied my hands and forced me to accept it. Even if it wasn't your intention, it hurt that you made me feel that way."
Bella sniffled. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you like that. I know that you've been going through a lot too, but so have I. It... wasn't until this morning when everyone was leaving that it suddenly dawned on me that I would actually be left behind... Left there without you. I panicked."
Her words resonated with me. That feeling of being all alone. I had lived with a lifetime of loneliness, and I think she may have felt the same before we met. She probably shared a lot of the same feelings I had in my previous life. In some ways, our resemblance to each other was uncanny.
I pulled her back from my chest and looked into her eyes, wet with tears. I cupped the side of her face and smiled down at her. "Thank you. I'm also sorry that I put you in that position. I probably should have considered how you might feel before I assumed it was the right decision without really talking it through. I was just trying to protect our baby."
"I forgive you," Bella said, before leaning forward and kissing me. The two of us kissed for a short time before I pulled away and rubbed my eyes. For the first time since I regained my memories, I loosened the tight hold on the bond and let the emotions of the others flow back into me. It was cathartic to feel connected to all of them again, rather than just the thin connections that let us speak through it.
Bella pulled me into a hug. "You seem like you're doing a bit better now."
I kissed the top of her head as I wrapped around her. "I talked with Torien a lot today... She helped me get a lot of things off my chest."
"That's good," Bella said before pulling away. "I'm going to go back and take care of Ashe. Nelly is looking after her right now, but she should be getting hungry soon based on the way my breasts are feeling..."
I chuckled. "Sure. I'll come over soon."
Bella walked down the stairs of the rampart, and Lori walked up as soon as she was gone. I could tell that she was waiting to talk with me, so I waited up here for her too.
Lori leaned against the wall and sighed. "If all of us are doing apologies right now, I'd like to apologize too."
I frowned. "What for?"
Lori turned and looked over the empty landscape. The sun was setting and casting an orange glow over the endless fields of long grass. "This morning I said something that I regret. I implied that you weren't worried about your child's safety... I shouldn't have said that."
I sighed. "Ah, yeah. The thing that made me yell at you. I'm also sorry for yelling. There was a lot going on..."
Lori shook her head. "No, I've had all day to think about it on the ride here. I shouldn't have said that. You had the right to be angry. After all the things I've seen, I'm very protective of children. I shouldn't have compared you to them. I know how much you love our family and your baby. I can feel how much you love her. I shouldn't have said that. It was an insult you didn't deserve."
I pulled Lori into a hug and kissed the top of her head like I did the rest of my lovers. She stiffened in the embrace, but didn't fight me. I hadn't done something like this with her before, but it felt right. "I accept your apology. I'm glad you're looking out for Ashe's safety. Let's not let something like this come between us. You're an amazing aunt, and you'll be an amazing great aunt to Ashe as well."
When I let Lori pull away, her face was a bit flushed. I didn't often hug her like that, but I was feeling a bit more emotional than usual right now.
Lori awkwardly cleared her throat. "I'll go help unpack for the night. I think others are wondering if we're going to have sex and recharge for the trip. Everyone knows how much turmoil everyone's been in today, so nobody's sure what the plan is."
I chuckled. "I'll be down in a minute."