After yesterday's nonsense, I sat in front of a cactus again.
It did nothing.
I liked that.
An idea hit my empty skull.
I grabbed an old hollow skull I found nearby and jammed it on top of the cactus.
"GUOOOHH!!"
(Translation: You are now… house guard!)
Aizen, my loyal dumb dog, wagged his tail like he understood. He probably didn't.
[EP Gained: 10,000]
[Reason: Promoted a cactus to house security]
I gave the cactus a name in my head, because I still couldn't talk.
Spike-o-sensei.
Aizen sniffed the cactus and sneezed.
I needed to test Spike-o-sensei's skills. So I grabbed a small rock and placed it beside the cactus.
I pointed at the rock.
"GUOOOH."
(Translation: Guard this! Important!)
Then I ran off. Chased a butterfly-shaped hollow.
It turned out to be a leaf.
I ate it. Tasted like sand.
When I came back, the rock was still there.
I was amazed.
"GUOOOOOOOHHHH!!"
(Translation: GOOD JOB SPIKE-O-SENSEI!! BEST GUARD EVER!!)
[EP Gained: 12,000]
[Reason: Praised a cactus for guarding a rock]
To make it official, I made a sign.
Not with writing — because I couldn't.
So I took bones and shaped them like a warning face.
Then I planted them beside Spike-o-sensei.
A tiny hollow passed by, looked at the cactus and bone face, and screamed before running away.
I rolled on the sand laughing like an idiot.
[EP Gained: 13,000]
[Reason: Scared someone off with a cactus and bone sign]
Aizen barked and chased his own tail.
"GUOOOHH!"
(Translation: Aizen, we got a squad now! You, me, and Spike-o-sensei!)
[Current EP: 1,636,500 / 100,000,000]
And just like that, my pathetic base now had a fearless, unmoving, possibly brain-dead cactus as a guard.